186. From Avoidance to Impact: Rethinking Difficult Conversations

In this episode, we explore the leadership skill most of us avoid: difficult conversations. 

You'll learn the mindset shifts that help you move from avoidance to courage, practical techniques to navigate tough talks with clarity and care, and the ripple effect these conversations can have on trust, team culture, and your own confidence. 

This episode also kicks off a 4-part series leading into the Leadership Build Series—a hands-on group learning experience using LEGO® Serious Play®. Full details coming July 2! 

Looking for a community of leaders where you can tackle real challenges, share wins, and grow together—without office politics getting in the way? Join Leadership Thought Partners, a coach-led, group-directed space launching in July. Registration closes on June 22, 2025 at strongleadersserve.com/ltp! 

Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

Transcript

1:10

What's a conversation that you've been avoiding lately? Maybe it's a teammate whose performance has slipped, or a peer who constantly interrupts you in meetings or someone who you care about deeply. But the tension between you is growing. You tell yourself you'll bring it up when the time is right, but that time never seems to come. I know what you're going through. I've been there and I continue to be there each day. I tend to be a little bit conflict avoidant, and so when difficult conversations come into my path, and I know that I need to have them because I know of all of the benefits of having them. I still go through this struggle and try to avoid it as much as I can. So that's what we're gonna be tackling today. In today's episode, it is a topic that every leader wrestles with difficult conversations, We are really gonna just be scratching the surface today, although you will leave with some practical ideas that you can try out right away. This is the first in a four part series highlighting some of the most common and most avoided challenges that leaders face. These episodes will not only give you practical tools, but they will also serve as a foundation for something I'm really excited to share coming this September right around when the school year starts, I will be leading unique group learning experiences using Lego serious play. It is gonna consist of four different workshops and together. They're called the Leadership Build Series. It's designed for leaders who wanna explore real challenges, like difficult conversations, delegation, leading through change, and influencing without authority in a hands-on collaborative creative environment. I'll share more about how you can be part of that during our final episode of this season on July 2nd, so make sure you stay tuned. But today, let's start with the leadership moment that so many of us delay the conversation we'd rather not have and how to stop avoiding it. I'm Terry Schmidt, executive and leadership coach at Strong Leaders Serve, where I partner with compassionate driven leaders to transform potential into performance. And this is the Strong Leaders Serve podcast. So let's jump in by thinking about what happens before the conversation, because as I talked about, I often, and I'm sure you might as well avoid the conversation altogether. I do it in a very creative way, saying it's not the right time or finding a way to get busy doing something else or just talking to someone else and it feels okay.'cause avoidance feels comfortable in the moment. It keeps the peace, it prevents awkwardness, and it lets us stay in the illusion that everything's fine. But neuroscience and experience tell us the truth. Avoidance doesn't make discomfort disappear. It just delays and multiplies it. Our brain interprets conflict as a threat. The amygdala fires stress, hormone surge, and our natural instinct is for to protect ourselves either by fighting, fleeing, or freezing. That's why difficult conversations can feel so intense. Even before they happen. And the more that we avoid it, the longer that state is going to last in us. So how do we move from avoidance to courage? Well, it first really starts with a shift in mindset. So here are three simple but powerful shifts that you can practice the first shift as you're thinking about the conversation. Instead of thinking, I have to be right, think instead I have something to learn. Now, I know this is hard, but this shift can help you to enter the conversation with curiosity, not certainty, and that completely changes the tone. You ask more questions, you listen more closely. You create space for shared understanding when you enter with curiosity instead of certainty. Now, for me, I'm always thinking about trying to appear strong, and so I try to think about how I wanna say everything and exactly how I wanna say it so that my case holds water. But the reality is once you get into that conversation, if you have a tone of certainty. You're gonna end up hitting a brick wall, but if you enter with curiosity, you can actually create connection out of that conflict. So next time you have to have a difficult conversation, think about how you can employ that first shift from I have to be right to, I have something to learn. I don't know about you, but even just saying that takes some of the stress out of my feeling about that conversation. the second shift to try from this will ruin the relationship to this could strengthen our trust. See what often builds trust isn't avoiding conflict, it's handling it well. Being honest, respectful, and willing to name what's hard. Shows people you care enough not to stay silent. So how might you utilize that mindset shift as you're getting ready for your conversation? And finally, from, I don't wanna mess this up, to progress matters more than perfection. As I talked about before, when you're in this stressful situation of a difficult conversation, no matter how much you practice, you are very unlikely to get every word right. But when your intention is to connect, not to control you give the other person permission to do the same. To be a little messy with your words and to give each other grace so that you can get to the meat of the conversation and you can both leave learning a little bit about the other person. See, we talked about this before, but you know, courage in leadership isn't always loud. It's choosing to speak when silence feels safer. It's choosing connection over comfort. So once your mindset shift, your preparation does matter. Here are a few techniques to help you make the actual conversation more productive. So first, start with clarity and care. Before the conversation, ask yourself, what do I hope we both walk away with? What impact has this situation had? Then open the conversation with that tone. Maybe you start by saying something like, I care about our working relationship and want us to be successful together. Can we talk about something that's been weighing on me? Second, stick to observations and impact, not assumptions. If you haven't heard me talk about it yet, one of the most helpful leadership frameworks that I ever learned is the situation, behavior Impact Model, or SBII believe it was created by the Center for Creative Leadership, and it is a great model to remember when you're in a difficult conversation. Or when you have to give someone feedback that they may not want to hear. And even when you have positive feedback for someone, it can be really helpful because basically how it works is you describe the situation. You start about talking about the context. For example, when we were in that call with senior leaders and everyone was looking to you to share what you had learned. So that might be the situation. And then you talk about the behavior, what you observed. I noticed that instead of answering the question, you deferred to me. So that's just a statement of the behavior that you observed. And then I is the impact. And what that did is it decreased people's trust. And your expertise and instead created an environment where instead of coming to you as they should for answers, they'll likely be coming to me instead. So situation behavior impact is a very neutral way to present feedback to someone as a way to present something that might be troubling you in your working relationship. The only thing that is subjective in there are the observations of your behavior, but there's no room in the SBI model for your opinion or your stories about what caused that behavior. Instead, it forces you to just present the facts and get curious about the causes so that you two can work through it together. So remember, stick to the observations and the impact, not the assumptions or stories. Be sure to separate intent from impact. Maybe they didn't mean to cause frustration, but the impact still matters. Maybe you didn't mean to make someone feel like they didn't belong, but again, that doesn't matter. You have to focus on what happened and how it landed and allow space for their perspective. And finally, it's all about listening. And we've talked about this a lot, but listen, to understand, not to reply. Remember, bring that curious mindset that we talked about you having about the conversation as a whole into the conversation itself. Make room for their story. Reflect back what you hear, not in an annoying way, but as a way to validate the emotions and validate what they're saying to make sure you heard it clearly. Even if you don't agree with the conclusion that they're coming to, making sure that you are both operating from the same information is a great first step. And finally end with shared next steps. Don't let the conversation drift into ambiguity. Make sure you end with asking, what do we want to do differently going forward? What support would help this change stick? Remember, the goal isn't to win the conversation. It's to restore clarity, connection, and forward momentum. We've talked a little bit about what happens before the conversation and some shifts that you can make. We've talked about some practical tips for what happens during the conversation. Now we wanna think about what impact actually engaging in these conversations instead of avoiding them has on others. You see when you engage in difficult conversations instead of avoiding them, the ripple effect is real and powerful. First, you build personal confidence. Each time you have a hard conversation, you're training your brain, that discomfort is survivable and even productive. You grow more emotionally, agile and resilient. Second, you strengthen trust on your team. Psychological safety doesn't come from never disagreeing. It comes from knowing that we can disagree and still be respected. Teams that talk openly about tension are more collaborative, creative, and committed. I remember early in my leadership career I had in employee who was just not performing, and to be honest, I was in a sense avoiding the conversation with them. Because I was just hoping that things would get better, but what really convinced me to have that conversation was I started to see morale in my other team members who were usually very engaged. I started to see that morale slip. And I knew it was time to have the conversation. Now I probably should have had it much earlier before I could see those indicators for the benefit of both the rest of the team as well as for the individual I needed to have the conversation with as well as for me.'cause like we talked about, when your brain is. In that stressful situation and your stress hormones are running, you can't think creatively or make good decisions. So I should have had that conversation earlier, but once I did, people saw that I was willing to step out of my comfort, have this challenging conversation for the betterment of the team. You may remember me saying there's a difference between being nice and being kind. I think I got this from Brene Brown originally, but essentially being kind is what is what's saying, what needs to be said for the betterment of the person and the entire team. It may not be comfortable, unlike being nice, which is just saying what people want to hear. To maintain the peace, to keep the comfort. So yes, you can be a compassionate driven leader and still have these tough conversations where you may be giving feedback that the other person doesn't wanna hear, but can co, but can cause them and the team to grow. Another ripple effect of having these conversations is that you model healthy leadership. It like I just talked about, your team watches how you handle hard moments. When you choose honesty over avoidance and empathy over reactivity. You give others permission to do the same, and finally, you create cultural momentum. Over time, addressing hard things becomes a norm, not an exception. People get problems get solved earlier. Feedback flows more freely. Silence stops being the default. In short, you don't just resolve one issue, you change the way your team works together, and that can be a very powerful thing that can lead to greater efficiency and better performance. So if there's a conversation you've been putting off, consider this your nudge. Start with curiosity. Speak with care. Focus on connection, not control. And remember, courage isn't about eliminating fear. It's about moving forward with clarity despite it. Next week we'll shift gears and explore another leadership challenge that's surprisingly complex delegation. We'll talk about why it's hard, what holds us back, and how to delegate in a way that develops others. That and the two episodes that follow will also tie into our upcoming leadership build series where we'll use Lego Serious Play to go beyond theory and work through these challenges together. I'll be sharing all the details about how to join us on July 2nd during our final episode of the season. Until then, remember, courage isn't about eliminating fear. It's about moving forward with clarity despite it.