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Strong Leaders Serve with Teri Schmidt
The leadership podcast for people who are in leadership not for the status and power, but instead to use that status and power to turn potential into performance for positive change.
Hosted by Teri Schmidt, Leadership Coach & CEO of Strong Leaders Serve.
Each week we focus on supporting leaders who are dealing with the overwhelming realities of transitioning into and operating in roles where their success isn't just defined by their performance, but by the performance of their team.
Roles where they are responsible for building trust, promoting psychological safety, conflict management, taking care of their team member's wellbeing, motivating other humans, and managing up, all while trying to GET THINGS DONE.
Through solo episodes with focused and relevant leadership tips and inspirational interviews with seasoned leaders and experts, we help leaders get past their overwhelm to careers of courageous impact.
Listeners hone their skills in making their workplaces more compassionate and just through their leadership.
Strong Leaders Serve with Teri Schmidt
179. The Hidden Anxiety of Managing Up
Have you ever held back from asking a question or saying "no" because you were afraid it might insinuate that your boss isn’t competent, credible, or caring?
That fear—known as insinuation anxiety—can keep even the most skilled leaders from speaking up when it matters most. In this episode, we explore why managing up is emotionally tricky and how to ask tough questions without compromising trust.
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Welcome back to Strong Leaders. Serve the podcast for compassionate driven leaders who want to lead with both heart and results. I'm your host, Terry Schmidt, executive and leadership coach at Strong Leaders Serve, where we believe that leadership is an art, and that holding the tension between compassion and accountability requires practice, courage, and community. Today we're talking about a challenge that many compassionate leaders face, but rarely name. Have you ever hesitated to say no or to ask a clarifying question because you were afraid of what it might imply? Maybe you didn't wanna seem like you were questioning someone's motives, or you're worried that a simple clarification would sound like an accusation. That experience has a name. Insinuation anxiety, and if you're someone who cares deeply about relationships, especially when you're managing up or navigating power dynamics, then this episode is for you. So let's get to it. I first heard of the term insinuation anxiety from Dr. Sunita sa. A physician and behavioral scientist in her excellent new book defy the power of No. In a world that demands, yes, it refers to the discomfort we feel when we fear that saying no or asking a clarifying question might insinuate that the person we're talking to is not trustworthy or competent, for compassionate driven leaders, this anxiety can be even more acute because we likely pride ourselves on seeing the best in people and building them up. We are naturally drawn to seeing their strengths. We also likely care about harmony and about how others feel. And when we're dealing with someone in a position of authority like our boss, it's easy to fall into silence, avoiding clarifying questions or watering down our concerns. But here's the catch, when we silence ourselves to avoid the appearance of conflict. We often sacrifice clarity, alignment, and effectiveness. So let me give you a real life example of how insinuation anxiety can show up. One of my coaching clients will call her. Maya was already swamped with high priority projects when her director assigned her yet another task coordinating a last minute internal event. The request came without much context and according to Maya, it didn't seem aligned with the team's current goals or urgent priorities. She wanted to ask, is this really the best use of my time right now? But she hesitated, she said, I don't want her to think I'm questioning her judgment, or that I think this task isn't important. I respect her and I know she has a lot on her plate too. That moment of pause, that fear of asking might insinuate her boss was wrong or misjudging what's important. That's classic insinuation anxiety. And for Maya, it wasn't about being unwilling to help, it was about wanting to serve the bigger picture. Well. While still honoring her capacity, but her compassion rooted in her respect for her boss was keeping her silent. Together, we reframed the conversation. Instead of positioning it as pushback, she approached it as a request for alignment. I want to make sure I'm giving my best to the team's top priorities. Can we talk about where this falls in the bigger picture so I can adjust accordingly? Her director responded positively and in fact agreed to reassign the task. Once she realized the current workload that Maya was balancing. By naming her concern with care and curiosity, Maya didn't just protect the relationship, she strengthened it. So why does this hit especially hard for those of us who are compassionate driven leaders? Because many of us don't just care about people. We genuinely believe in them, especially when it comes to those in senior roles. We often assume competence, integrity, and good intent. We trust our leaders. We want them to succeed our compassion isn't just warmth, it's faith in their strengths. So when we feel the need to ask a difficult question, say no, or challenge a directive, it feels like we're betraying that faith. Like we're saying, I don't think you're as competent, thoughtful, or ethical as you should be. That's the heart of insinuation anxiety. The fear that our question might be misread as a judgment on someone's character. And for those of us who pride ourselves on being supportive and loyal, that's deeply uncomfortable. But here's the twist, avoiding the question doesn't protect the relationship. It just keeps us out of discomfort and when we keep quiet, we withhold the very clarity and perspective that could make both of us more successful. So how do we move through insinuation anxiety? Here are a few ways to practice. First name it, just recognizing the emotion can loosen its grip. If you're hesitating, ask yourself, am I afraid of what this might insinuate? Number two, lead with intent. Start with your why. For example, saying, I wanna make sure I'm aligned with your priorities, signals trust and collaboration, not doubt. Number three, reframe the ask. Instead of thinking, I'm questioning them. Try, I'm helping us succeed together. Questions can be acts of care. Fourth, anchor it and shared goals. Bring the conversation back to what matters to both of you, the mission, the quality, the people you're serving. Fifth, practice curiosity over conclusion. You're not delivering a judgment, you're opening a dialogue. And sixth, Dr. SA recommends giving it some space. Saying that you want to think about it can often separate you enough from the situation that you are better able to say no or ask that clarifying question the next time you come back together, so as we wrap up, I wanna offer you a challenge this week. Notice when you hesitate to ask a question, push back, or clarify a directive. Ask yourself, what am I afraid that this might insinuate? Then ask yourself, what's the cost if I don't say anything? You can believe in someone's strengths and still ask for clarity. You can respect your leader and offer a different perspective. You can be compassionate and courageous. That's the kind of leader our workplaces need right now. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts or the moments when you've faced this kind of tension yourself. Reach out to me on LinkedIn and let me know what you think. Until next time. Remember, strong leaders don't just serve others. They serve truth, clarity, and trust. Even when it's uncomfortable.