Strong Leaders Serve with Teri Schmidt

157. The Courage to Listen: Embracing Tough Feedback

• Teri Schmidt

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On our last episode, Brigadier General AnnMarie Anthony shared that one of the keys to her success as a leader was listening to feedback from those who disagreed with her.

But that's easier said than done.

In this episode we dig a little deeper into why that's so difficult and provide a simple technique you can try at work or at home to make it a little easier.

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Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongertoserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

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So, I don't know about you, but I really hate feeling like a failure. And although in my mind, I want to be very open to constructive feedback from others, my heart and my body don't always cooperate. So when I feel like I'm failing, and then on top of that, someone wants to provide me with feedback about that particular project or that particular decision, my body often goes into fight or flight mode. How about you? Have you been in a situation like that? On our last episode, Brigadier General Anne Marie Anthony talked about how having the courage to listen to those who didn't agree with her led to her leadership success. But I'd say that that's easier said than done, especially when we have our brains and emotions working against us. So today we're going to explore this a bit more and end with one tip that you can try when your heart is racing as you get ready for one of those conversations where someone wants to give you feedback about a project that didn't go so well. Hopefully this tip will help you to transform conflict into positive impact. If you don't know me yet. I'm Terry Schmidt. I'm a coach who's passionate about helping leaders to courageously use their talents to make a way for others to courageously use theirs. And this is the Strong Leader Serve podcast. Okay. So put yourself in the middle of one of these stress causing situations again, when someone wants to give you feedback that although your brain wants to hear it, your body really doesn't. Something that helps me to stay in the thick of it, instead of avoiding it altogether. Is to remember the why? Why is listening to those who have constructive feedback for us such a critical listening skill for leaders? Well, there are many reasons, but there are a couple of top ones I want to talk about today. First, it creates a sense of value and respect. When you are able to truly listen to those who disagree with you, you show them that you value their opinions and respect them as individuals. This is crucial for their and for the larger team's motivation, well being, and performance. Sometimes, it can also help to even diffuse conflict before it even starts. And the second reason is it can reduce miscommunication and rework and can inspire new approaches. Sometimes when we're able to carefully listen to our critics, we can actually significantly reduce the chances of misunderstanding and the need to redo work. If you are able to deeply listen to the feedback. Also, it often inspires new, more successful approaches. This not only saves time, but it also minimizes frustration within your team. So if you think of those two very good reasons why you should listen to constructive feedback, it still may not be enough. Like I said, my brain is always in the right place. I want to be an empathetic and confident leader that feels courageous enough to listen to that feedback, but sometimes my body just doesn't cooperate. So let's talk about that. What makes it so difficult to listen to constructive feedback? Well, it turns out we can blame it on our brains. When we listen to constructive feedback, especially from someone who disagrees with us, specific areas of our brain become particularly active. Neuroscience research has shown that the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for the rational thinking and decision making, and the amygdala, which processes emotions, both play significant roles during these interactions. When we receive feedback, the amygdala can trigger a fight or flight response, like I was talking about earlier. It can make us feel defensive or stressed. Now this is a completely natural reaction. But it can hinder our ability to truly listen and understand the other person's perspective. However, when we are able to engage the prefrontal cortex, we can better regulate these emotional responses. Allowing us to be more able to process the feedback more constructively. Now, you may think, how am I going to even control my brain? Well, we really can't, but there are some strategies that we can use to more effectively engage the Prefrontal cortex. The nice thing is that the same activities that we can use to engage the prefrontal cortex can also help us access what is not being said in the conversation. Remember back in episode 137 when I shared the fascinating data point that listening expert Oscar Trimboli shared? How he said that although we speak at about 125 words per minute, our brains can actually think at around 900 words per minute. Meaning that there's a lot more going on in someone's mind than what they're verbalizing. So let's talk about one strategy that can both bring us back from the fight or flight response and help us access those unsaid words when faced with constructive criticism or disagreement. And it's fairly simple. It's a two step process and it consists of pause. And ask a reflective question. Now I said simple, I didn't say easy, but let's dig into what this might look like for us. So the first step utilize the pause. Now, yes, I know silence is incredibly uncomfortable, especially when you'd rather exit the conversation as fast as possible. But this pause might be just what you need to stay present in the conversation and transform what started out as a negative experience into a positive one. Doing something as simple as taking a deep breath can help calm the amygdala. So when you feel that initial surge of defensiveness, like you just want to get out of the room, or when you feel your muscles tensing, like you're getting ready to fight, pause and focus on your breathing. Try taking a four count breath in and a four count breath out. This simple act can reduce the flight or fight response and give your prefrontal cortex time to catch up. Another way to pause, if you want to do something beyond the breathing. It's to ask yourself the question, how can I view this feedback as an opportunity for growth instead of a personal attack? Now I know that's very tough, especially when someone is coming at you with something you don't want to hear because maybe you already criticized yourself in your head for what they are saying to you. Or maybe it's someone that you've just been having a lot of difficulties with lately. But if you can do this reframing. And try to see it instead of being a personal attack as being an opportunity for growth. This mental shift can help you engage the prefrontal cortex, allowing you to approach the conversation more rationally and less emotionally. And as I talked about, granted, this can be very difficult in the moment, but even if you take the time to say the word growth to yourself. That can allow a pause and start to engage your more rational mind. Now once you've established the pause. You're ready for the second step. Continue with the reflective question. That reflective question could be something as simple as tell me more about that. That is one of my favorite questions because it gives you space to Relax, and it also gives you more information as the person who is giving you the feedback has to think a little bit more about more detail that they can provide you to make that feedback even more meaningful and more of an opportunity for growth. In addition, it helps us to access some of those unspoken thoughts that I was talking about Earlier, remember, we only speak at 125 words per minute, but we can think at 900 words per minute. So there's a lot going on in that person's brain across from you that you might want to have some insight to because it may help to make that feedback more palatable for you and also may help you to really pinpoint things that you can work on to use it as an opportunity for growth. Reflective questions also help us to engage in perspective getting instead of perspective taking. Now I talked about this also back in episode 137. I mentioned how I've always been a fan of perspective taking. That was one of my favorite workshops to teach when I was working in corporate. And I love giving people the opportunity to think about what another person may be thinking. But As I mentioned in that episode, I recently read some research by Eyal, Steffel, and Epley that shows that we're actually not that great at guessing others thoughts accurately. In fact, they coined the term perspective mistaking, but by using questions or statements such as tell me more about that, we can engage in perspective getting, we can help the other person to access more detail about their particular thoughts so that we can better understand it as well. What are some other examples of reflective questions you can use? Well, I'll give you some, but I would love to hear yours as well. Some that I've used is What is most important to you here? Maybe someone gives you some specific feedback about a timeline not working for a specific project. Asking what is most important to you here can help you understand why sticking to that timeline is so important to them and what particular elements of that timeline might be most important. Another question that works in almost every situation is, can you help me understand that better? You may also ask reflective questions that get into more detail, like, what specific aspects do you think could be improved? Or what would improvements look like from your perspective, helping that person to really paint a picture of what they want to be different, not only helps them to access the thoughts that they're not speaking, but also helps you to more deeply understand where they're coming from and how you can work to make things better. So are you up for trying this? Either at work or like I'm going to do at home, I'm going to try that pause and reflective question the next time I get into a situation where maybe I'm a little annoyed or like we were talking about today where someone is giving me constructive feedback that I just don't want to hear. Sometimes it's hardest to hear constructive feedback from those who are closest to us. So I'm kind of looking forward to this test. I'd love to hear about your experiences too, or if you have tips that help you to better listen to constructive feedback. I'm testing out a new feature with StrongLeader Serve that allows you to text me directly by clicking on the link in the show notes, and I'd love to hear from you. You may not know it, but it sometimes gets a little bit lonely behind this mic, not having anyone in front of me to react to what I'm saying. So I would love to hear from you via this very easy method of texting me by clicking on that link in the show notes. And if you'd like, I'll share your tips or experiences with listeners on the next episode. Make sure you include your name in the body of the text if you'd like me to include it when I share your tip as the app masks your identity to protect your privacy. So I look forward to hearing from you and until next time, lead with this quote in mind. The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. Let's be part of the solution and focus on listening to understand. And let's use pause plus a reflective question to help our bodies want to stay in the situation long enough that we can truly listen to understand.